Clearly I am on a roll & have much to say right now. I want to address the importance of having amicable divorces for our children. Emphasis OUR children. It is important to remember that our children need both parents unless we are talking about neglect, abuse, active addiction, our children need both of their parents. Our children need to be both parents' priority. Unfortunately contentious divorces are all too common. The focus is no longer about what is best for our kids but about money, property, control, & so on. It is not about doing what's best for the children but instead focusing on what we want or think we need. Even though we are no longer a family, we still need to "operate" as best as possible as a family with each parent's voice heard, children's needs listened to & cooperation about what's best for the children.. When parents do not prioritize their children's needs, it leads to parental alienation & challenges in co-parenting. It also leads to children feeling insecure, confused. anxious, angry, & depressed..
I have seen too many contentious divorces in my life as a person, adult, friend & therapist. In some ways I am lucky my own father simply gave my mother full legal & physical custody. It simplified things but that does not mean it was an amicable divorce. He cleaned out the bank account, took the car, left us in housing we could not afford, & essentially abandoned us. This resulted in us moving to more affordable housing, changing schools & eventually leaving Washington to move to California to be closer to family. My father also blamed my mother though he was the one who cheated & left us. He continued to try to control my mom through child support by writing the checks to my sister & I, to decreasing the amount he gave her, & to simply stop paying altogether. He vacillated between saying horrible things about my mother & grandparents to complimenting her & at times hitting on her. He would also say when we were 14 years old we could "choose" to live with him. But why would we? He gave us up & abandoned us. Even when my mom had to contact the District Attorneys office to get the back child support, it was her fault that he had not paid his taxes. Yes he begged her to back off & finally agreed to pay the child support. Let me be clear, he was not paying much but it was still something we needed to survive. I did not know this as a child because my mom took the high road & did not talk badly about my dad. She did not involve us in her worries because she was the parent. Yes I tried as a child, teen & young adult to address this with my father & express my feelings but unfortunately he was unable to listen or accept responsibility for what he did. I am sharing this to let everyone know that I understand. It is challenging when a relationship ends but that does not mean it has to be contentious. It is important to remember that our children need to be the priority. When we have children, it is no longer all about us, it is about making sure their needs are met as well.
I have included some articles about amicable divorces that I have found to be helpful.
https://www.divorcemag.com/blog/conscious-uncoupling-and-amicable-divorce-possible-to-stay-friends/
https://goodmenproject.com/divorce/want-amicable-divorce-follow-30-tips-cmtt/
https://amicable.io/divorce-tips/